Jesus for Sale!
by Freethinker4life
Summary: A salesman finds that religion is not at all unlike other products, in that it has its own pitch and is costly.


It was a slow month and I needed money. So, in accordance to my situation, I got a job. I worked with a group of salesmen. They went door to door and convinced people to buy their products.

"How do you sell these items?" I asked. The head salesman replied, "First, we buy items that nobody ever wanted in the first place from the item developers at dirt cheap prices. Once we have purchased these items, which are all awful and more often than not harmful, we convince these stupid shmucks that they need the item and then we sell it to them. It's genius!" Since I was a new salesman, I would go with a veteran salesman and see how he sold his items and kind of get a feel for salesmanship.

We approached our first house. My partner knocked on the door. Someone answered, "Hello?" My partner started up, "Good evening, ma'am! We'd like to know if you're interested in our Super Duper Quantificational Vacuum Cleaner!"

She shook her head, "I don't know... I don't think we need one."

"Oh, but you do!" said my partner, "Look at these pictures." He immediately pulled out some photographs of dirt that we took several hours earlier. "Look at these," he said, "These are up close images of what it looks like under your carpet!" She was surprised. "Oh, dear!" she exclaimed, "That's extremely dirty!" My partner started up again, "And you don't want to be the only one on your block without a Super Duper Quantificational Vacuum Cleaner! Everyone's buying it! And you sure don't want to have a dirty carpet."

She opened up her purse and asked, "How much?" He replied, "It will cost you fifteen thousand dollars. Checks are accepted." She wrote a check eagerly for the money and gave it to him. He then gave her a Super Duper Quantificational Vacuum Cleaner. "Why thank you so much, kind gentlemen," she said, "I was blind, but now I see the light. And now that I see the light, I will NEVER see dirt again! Thank you so much! You are truly kind men and I feel better now that I have given you my money and you have given me my Super Duper Quantificational Vacuum Cleaner!"

"Wow!" I said to my partner, "You're good!" He smiled. "Yes", he said, "I am good. Now, let me escort your on another sale or two."

We gleefully went to another house. My partner knocked on the door and we got the usual answer, "Hello?" My partner started up, "Greetings, sir! We're here to wonder if you're interested in purchasing the Really Big Metaphysical Encyclopedia." He looked unsure, "I'm not sure if I would really have any use for that. After all, we already have the normal encyclopedia."

"Oh, but sir," said my partner, "The Really Big Metaphysical Encyclopedia is the greatest thing in the world. When you're watching jeopardy, and they ask for the second word that Plato ever wrote, you can look it up here! If your son asks who discovered the first Law of Thermodynamics, you can surprise him by at least telling him the age of the guy who discovered the first Law of Thermodynamics!" The customer was surprised. "Wow!" he said, "It can do all that? I must have it no matter what!" He pulled out his wallet. "How much is it?"

"It's only 85,000 dollars; cash only." The customer pulled the 85,000 dollars out of his wallet and gave it to us. We passed him the Really Big Metaphysical Encyclopedia. "This product is the best. You saved me, sirs. I would have been answer-less if asked what Plato's second written word ever was. I would have been forsaken and humiliated. Thank you. You have shown me the light and given me the truth. I shall hope on the stars at night that good things come to you and yours."

"One more sale," said my partner, "And we'll head back to headquarters where we can regroup with the other salesmen and see how well we all did." I nodded and we approached the last house, which was the mansion of a very rich woman. My partner knocked on the door and the to-be customer answered just like the other two, "Hello?" My partner started up with his slogan, "Good afternoon, ma'am! I was wondering if you would be interested in purchasing these extra sharp knives from me. They slice! They dice! All right, maybe they only mash and bash, but it comes with my guarantee that they will always mash and bash! Remember! It's guaranteed! And think of all your own knives. How many times have you tried to cut through wood with those things? It doesn't work. But my knives can cut through concrete! Just take my word for it!"

"Wow," said our customer, "Those sound like super dangerous knives!" My partner began, "Yes, they are! And even though your current knives may work perfectly fine, these are something you need. Surely, you don't want to be the last one on the block, otherwise... what's your name?" Our customer said, "Maria." My partner started up again, "Otherwise they'll say, 'Well, Maria is cool, but she doesn't have these super cool and super cutting knives.' So, you have to buy them if you want to be cool!" Maria looked worried, "Well, I guess you threatened me with being unpopular, and that fear is so deep within my insecure self that I need to buy them. Besides, you're so friendly; I guess I will buy them. How much are they?"

"They're only three million dollars," said my partner, "Check is acceptable." She passed him a check and thanked him. "Thank you, sirs," she said, "I would have been stuck using these dull knives and would have been unpopular, and I wouldn't even know it. But because of you, I have been enlightened. You have shown me the light. And now, I thank you with my three million dollars. Good bye, dull knives. Hello, sharp knives."

"We have other products, as well," said my partner, "Ever hear of Jesus?" She looked puzzled, "No, I haven't." My partner said, "Well, everyone sins. That's everyone. And God, who is some guy who lives on the other side of the universe who alternates his activities from throwing lighting bolts to answering prayers, hates it when you sin. Have you ever told even a little, white lie?" Maria looked surprised. "Why," she said, "Yes, I have! I'm a sinner!" My partner started again, "Yes, you are a sinner! And what is sin? It is only mentioned in the Bible nearly 1,000 times, so you'll remember that you are a sinner. Sin is the most horrible and hated thing. When a rapist rapes, it is sin. When a murderer murders, it is sin. And you, my dear friend, are comparable to rapists and murderers and you'll go to hell for it!"

"Oh, dear!" she exclaimed, "You're right! I am going to hell!" My partner started up again, "But wait! With this one time offer of Jesus, offered by God, you can get to God and heaven through him and Jesus only! Think about it - you can kill, murder, rape, and do whatever you wish, and still, you get to heaven!" She exclaimed, "Wow! Jesus IS lord!" My partner continued with his lines, "Thinking: it's a dirty job, so in Christianity, let someone else do it for you! Never again think for yourself. To accomplish this, you must believe that everyone who is bad is Satanically inspired and everyone who is good is Christian. You cannot believe that sentient beings are neither ultimately good nor ultimately bad, capable of fulfilling both. Jesus – good; Satan - bad. This way, your thinking is completely simplified. And if it's in the Bible, it is absolutely right!"

"Everything in the Bible is right?" Maria asked eagerly. "Yes!" exclaimed my partner, "Everything!" Maria started to question, "Doesn't Isaiah 40:22 say the world is flat, though, even though there is valid proof that it is round?" My partner shook his head, "That's sad... It's sad that you even question. Why do you question Christianity? Now you'll go to hell. You're so un-Christian. The world IS flat!" She started questioning again, "What about proof?" My partner replied, "Proof? Leave it out of the picture! How does a child believe in Santa Claus? Other religionists believe in their God? A lunatic believe in imaginary beings? Faith! And that's what you must have! When you see a chair, you must have faith that it is a table! When you see a criminal, you must have faith that it is Satan! When you see a round planet, you must have faith that it is a flat planet! Or simply have faith that the verse says something else!"

"What about Ephesians 2:9 that says you don't need works, but James 2:24 says you need works?" she asked. My partner began, "Tisk tisk, Maria... Haven't you learned anything? Don't question my authority! Questioning leads to one thing: answers. And that's something we DON'T want. True – I, as well as any other reasonably intelligent person, will see a contradiction in the Bible right there and anyone who doesn't is a fool. But what you, my dear, are seeing when you read that contradiction is Satan! He is blinding you and your faith! Any attack on your faith, including reasoning, logic, and intelligence, is of Satan! And you must destroy any reasoning, logic, or intelligence that you have and avoid attaining any of it! When verses like that appear, they must be misinterpreted or out of context. Any bullshit excuse is good enough as long as you're not intelligent enough."

"I see," she said, "So, I must not think for myself or question. That's a big relief off my shoulders, because although I am a conscious being who questions what the meaning and point of life is just as any other conscious being, I don't want to spend my time wasted in such pursuits. My heart, my mind, my love, everything that I am, may as well die now, as I should now accept Jesus. Anything I will accomplish, anything I will aspire for, anything I hope for, is now worthless. I should not think, not daydream, not hope, nor should I work, love, or be happy. I have accepted Jesus into my soul, and it is truly now a dead soul. Jesus is the savior who went into my heart and he is the surgeon who promptly removed it... What else must I know of Jesus?"

"Well," said my partner, "I'm glad that you're seeing it my way finally! Jesus wants you to be humble. Never enjoy such happy pursuits such as sex (lust), food (gluttony), or resting (sloth). Never try to accomplish anything, for that is envy and greed. Never be happy of what you have accomplished (pride) and always be humble and self-sacrificing. If someone punches you on one cheek, turn the other cheek so he may smash it as well. If someone makes you walk one mile, walk two miles. If someone steals your cloak, give him your coat. Always accept abuse. Always accept pain. Never think. Never become happy. Never think well of yourself. Never go after your heart's true desires. Never think you're actually worth something. Have a low self esteem! For example..." My partner then slapped Maria to the ground.

"Ow!" she said, "That hurt!" My partner started, "Now turn your other cheek so I may slap it, as well." She stood up and promptly turned her other cheek. My partner replied by smashing it as he promised. "That hurt..." she said, "The pain that you have caused me makes me unhappy, displeased. I wish to reach revenge, but by avoiding revenge, I develop mental problems and compulsions, so that my revenge will come out at the wrong time. Just as Homosexuals are condemned, their emotions build up inside until they come out at the wrong time and they end up raping or molesting a child. Just as those who like to rest are condemned, their emotions build up inside until they come out at the wrong time and they end up killing someone. Just as those who like to think well of themselves are condemned, their emotions build up inside until they come out at the wrong time and they end up committing suicide, perhaps taking others with them. Just as those, I shall keep my emotions bottled up and I shall become a dead individual, ruled by the anger and compulsion given to me by Jesus. Now that I have a low self esteem and am like a grenade with a pulled pin, I think I need Jesus even more!"

"Now you're catching on," said my partner. All of a sudden, in the background, a boy came down the stairs and went near Maria. "Hey, Maria," he said, "What are you up to?" Maria responded, "Well, these men are here to tell us about these great knives. Our own knives are dull. They can't even cut through concrete! But these knives, which cost several million, will!" Her brother responded, "Our knives aren't dull and we don't even need knives that cut through concrete. Perhaps it appears amazing to simple minds, but clearly, it is such a useless pursuit. And, I must say, you've been screwed to buy them for one hundred dollars, let alone several million dollars. You shouldn't believe everything these salesmen tell you."

"Well, I disagree," she said, "You need sharp knives! What if you happen to need to cut through concrete? Then you'll be sorry! Yes, you will! They have also given me other things. They gave me the best thing of all. It's called the Gospel of Jesus. Do you accept Jesus in your heart, dear brother?" He responded, "Jesus? Jesus is for lunatics!" She was surprised, "Satan! You are Satan! Satan is making you say that! You don't really mean it! And I know you're trying to see the light and you're trying to seek fulfillment. Such pursuits are waste! I feel bad for you, brother. For you don't know the love that Jesus has shown me and that I have grown to need. I will pray, instead of using actions which are actually capable of bringing results, that you see the light. I feel so bad for you. You do not feel the love or happiness I feel from Jesus. You are so stupid! Now I pray for you..." Her brother replied, "And I shall think for you." She snapped back at him, "Thinking is of Satan! Heathen! You shall burn in hell!" He shrugged, unmoved by her testimony, and left.

"Now, how much does Jesus cost?" she asked. We replied, "It costs the ownership of your soul, the ownership of your mind, the ownership of your happiness, and everything you have." She replied, "I'll take it! I'll take it!" Just then, and just like that, she gave us everything she had and more than we could imagine. She was rich. At least she was. But now we had her millions of dollars and she will live a miserable life. She signed over the deed to her mansion. We then regrouped to the headquarters for salesmen.

"Well," said the sales chairman, "We have made several billion dollars today. At the head of our sales, the one and only pope!" Pope John stood up, "Thank you, thank you... We made 8 billion dollars today. All you gotta do is say it's for charity and that they are horrible persons that will most likely burn in hell. It doesn't matter. They are sheep and I am a shepherd."

The chairman stood up, "Yes, and another best salesman of today is David Oreck, creator of the Oreck Vacuum Cleaner!" David Oreck stood up, "Thank you, thank you... We have only made 700 million today. Definitely not enough comparable to the other major religions, but we still screw our customers!"


End file.
